I barely signed up for Pottermore, after a year of neglecting to do so.
It’s all fun and games until they place you in SLYTHERIN.
Like, for reals Sorting Hat?! You wanna play me like that?! Danger and Sam told me I was Ravenclaw (and they’re pretty reliable Potter authorities) and now my whole world has been turned upside down. Slytherin. Really?
Sure, I may be super into the Dark Arts. Sure, I may have plans to get the Dark Mark tattooed on me. But that doesn’t mean I have to be mushed together with all the other dark art farts. Blegh. Slytherin.
Green is sooooo not my color.
Everytime I try to change my relationship status on Facebook (please forgive me for mentioning poopoocaacaafacebook on This Holy Tumblr) I get all grody feeling & all… all…committed. I’ve got to get a handle on myself.
I’ve been listening to Girls & Portugal. The Man all day because fuck you.
I drink too much tea therefore I have to pee forty seven times a day which is complete bullshit.
I can’t write anything & I haven’t been able to for about a year. I’ll start writing something then I’ll slowly begin hating it. And these days the only subject I can even think of writing is my ex. Fuck. That. Shit.
I swear to science I’m going to barf up tar. Is it normal for cigarettes to make you crave them completley & disgust you all at one time? Maybe I’ve got to change brands.
I want my I.D. motherfuck.
Right now would be a great time for sex. It’s been, like, a month. I’m pretty sure when you’re in a relationship that shouldn’t happen. My fault for being over here. Sergio’s fault for being over there. I bought a really fucking cute bra & I want a reason to wear it.
I’m going to worship Satan.
Oh my god. I have no friends.
I’ve got a lot on my mind. I know I’ve been writing a lot lately, a lot of personal stuff, but I just need a place to vent and since I really have no immediate friends I turn to the internet.
I know it hasn’t been very long since I turned 18, I can’t expect everyone to wake up and change how they treat me. But I thought moving over here I’d get more freedom and privacy and get treated like an adult. And I do get that, but when everyone is home and decides to butt in my business constantly, I’m treated like a child; always being checked up on and asked questions. I just want to be alone. Why can’t anyone understand that?
I want to be happy and for a short while I really did feel happy. But sometimes I just feel really low and miserable, like right now. I just want friends again. Things were so simple just a year ago. I didn’t think anyone was fake, or that you could be so in love with someone you’re so desperate to hate. I didn’t think you could develop chemical dependancies and like them. I didn’t think the constant need to slowly kill yourself and rot your body into the ground was desirable, or that it even felt so good. God I need a cigarette and a drink. Among other things.
I kind of hate myself for losing friends. I kind of hate myself for having sex with certain people. I kind of hate myself for moving here and I hate everyone in this house too. I wish my mom would stop texting me everyday, I just want to tell her that the last person I want to hear from on a daily basis is her. I hate myself for going blonde, I look stupid. I wish it wasn’t so easy for me to want to love somebody, cuz then when this is all over it wouldn’t hurt as much.
I have a million other things to say but there isn’t enough internet or time.
I’m very tired now. I’ve been moping in Starbucks since 2:00, I think. I’ve been submitting even more applications, so hopefully I’ll get a job soon. I need one so bad. I’ve got another appointment at school in July with my counselor and I’ve got an appointment at the DMV on Monday to get my I.D. I’m not looking forward to thatactuallybecause I hate everyone, and I don’t want to get my picture taken, and I have to see my mother. The tea is starting to hit me, but I don’t want to pee in the Starbucks bathroom, but it’s kind of a long walk home if you have to pee. I think I’m going to go to 7-11 on my way home to buy some snacks so I don’t feel so sad when I get home. I’m also going to drop by IHOP for the thousandth (that’s totally not a word…) time and see if they have any more applications in. The only application I submit today that was actually hiring was Whole Foods, so maybe I’ll get a call back. I could work at Whole Foods.
I’m very tired. I’m going to take a nap when I get home and figure out what I can do tomorrow. I like being out instead of cooped up inside the house all day. I wish all these bearded men I’ve seen all day were my friends.
I had the most wonderful dream last night. It was that kind of dream that could be real & might have happened. But it won’t. I know it will never happen, as much as I might wish it would. I hate it so much that we could never find peace like that; run into each other at a party, enjoy a cigarette outside together (that’s where it was a dream, he doesn’t smoke), laugh & talk just like we used to. I miss that part of me. And I miss the part of me he still has.
It was a wonderful dream but it could never happen. That’s what hurts the most.
I haven’t even been gone a week & I want to go back. Fontana can eat shit, but I miss my friends.
I’ve been eating all day because I’m not a waitress yet & I’m just anticipating the barf. I wish I could have a cigarette but I smoked my last & I’m not quite old enough to pick up my own pack. I’m counting down the days to my birthday. I want to dye my hair some ridiculous color & move in with Rachelle. I need a stiff drink (or 7) and a cigarette (I said that already) and Sergio here with no clothes on. Pardon that. But I’m going to die. I’m just a little bit horny, but I think it’s just all this food I’ve had fucking with my hormones. I’m so lazy. I want to watch Fight Club.
I’m totally (and not my fault, these walls are paper thin (and everyone hears every little sound lol modest mouse reference…sorry)) evesdropping on my sister talking to her friend about getting a new apartment & it just got me thinking. As much as I love this house, my grandmother’s house, I honestly don’t want to move in here. I want an apartment, and since I can’t exactly afford one by myself I should maybe start looking for possible roommates. I’d like to stay around Pasadena/L.A. but I don’t know if anyone is planning on moving here that might need a roommate.
I need to figure some shit out. Graduation is close & my moving date is impending.
But I made the right decision. Ultimately I had to. I was being ignored, I felt like second to him, & just how he was, refusing to communicate like an adult, was enough for me. Last night I was all heated, but now I’m a little sad. But I’m not going to undo what’s been done. If he wants to be with me again he can call me or text me, communicate, and then we’ll see. But as of right now I’m done with all of that.